Over 145 truly awful definitions.
Apologies for those that only make the British laugh
- all real UK and guitar musical terms.
All with a bizarre viewpoint....
Albinoni
Possessed of an unusually white region of leg
Clapton
Welcomed to the stage with warm applause
Crossing parts
The arms, or, more with men than women, the legs
Cor Anglais
The cry of a Frenchman seeing the White Cliffs of Dover
Descant
An insect that lives on a shared music stand
Hornpipe
The raw material for brass instruments
Plain song
UK tourists' entertainment, flying home from Spain.
Up beat
Unusually confident about starting the music
Refrain
Don't do it (except in music, when it means do it again)
Triangle
Menage a trois. Not to be confused with phallic cymbal
Contra
Instrument of choice for the counter-revolutionary
Overwound
Fitting instructions for bandage
Chromatic
Very shiny room in the roof
Doh
Current American Paper Money
Fah
A versatile singer. "That singer will go 'Fah'"
Italian Sixth
Small part of a town. Smaller than the Chinese quarter....
Major
Compulsion. As in "That major look, didn't it"
Minor
Small and insignificant. As in "Minor smaller than yours are"
Pulse
Essential ingredient in Vegetarian music
Quarter Note
Obsolete American Paper Money
Soh Lah
Powered by the sun
Suspension
A bouncy A-Frame
Shake
An Arabian trill
Unison
A male child with no siblings
Cresc
Childcare provision
Crescendo
Cessation of childcare provision
Forte
Where life begins
Accent
Integral part of foreign music
Pause Marks
Cats' footprints
Espressivo
Served with Coffee
Con Brio
Served with French Cheese
Con Spirito
Served with Brandy
Slurred Triplets
Three brothers after an evening Con Spirito
Perfect Pitch
Throwing the ball straight
Double flat
Two punctures at once
C flat
Good boating weather
D Scale
Remove chalky deposits from the kettle (no, not a kettle drum!)
Repeat
To add more compost
March Time
Early Spring (joke not suitable for those in Southern Hemisphere)
Full Score
The end-of-play football result
Page Turn
The part of the wedding when the small boy tells jokes
From the top
Instruction to hairdresser on where to trim the most hair....
piu
Church Choirstalls
rit
Committed to paper
Equitempered
Having the patience of a horse
Two Time
Music for the double-crossing lover
Three-in-a-bar
Particularly hackneyed opening to a Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman joke
Sub Dominant
Under the wife's thumb (from someone who knows....)
Interrupted Cadence
Primitive and rather unsatisfactory family planning
Relative Major
An uncle in the Army
Minor Interval
About ten minutes
Transposition
Preferring clothes of the opposite sex
Harmonic Minor
Member of a Welsh Male Voice Choir
Notate
The next thing after note seven
Syncopated
Irregular. A High-Fibre diet is recommended
Laissez
Play the 5th string more quietly
Andante
Daughter of Mr & Mrs Inferno
Diatonic
A slimming mixer for the serious Gin drinker
Passing Notes
Exchanging information in the back row of an orchestra
Ascending Scales
Elevator Music
Descending Scales
Successful dieting
Conduct
(Italian) - literally "With the large pipe"
- ie accompanied by a tuba
Recordings of this style
are rare, apart from the famous Duct Tape
Divisions upon a ground
Walls. A musical term, since walls have ears...
Serial Music
Music played at breakfast time
Concertize
Opera Glasses
Suite
Boiled confectionery eaten noisily at a Concert
Rehearse
To take to a funeral a second time
Binary Form
Music stored digitally
Motet
Small waterway round a castle
Sightread
Espy the top part of a clarinet
Romantic
Practical joke played only in Italy
Bass Line
A device for catching sea-going fish
Bass Viol
Sea-going fish that's gone off
Early Music
Practising before going to work
Violin
Entry point for the Tenor Viol
Opera
Popular audience-based entertainment. Featuring Ms Winfrey
Tenor
Parts of a deck of cards - the tenor spades, the tenor hearts...
Oboe Player
'Omeless Actor
Wind band
Flatulence prohibited
Playing A Round
Sleeping with the orchestra. See also "Triangle"
Pachelbel's Canon
Sound effects in Pachelbel's little-known and forward-looking "1812 Overture"
French Polish
Having dual nationality
Fingerboard
Tired of left hand exercises
Bridge End
A town in Wales
Nut
An obsessive Guitar owner
Hard case
A particularly obsessive Guitar owner
Cedar
To be aware of, as in "I didn't cedar repeat mark"
Fan strutting
To walk about with an air-cooler
Tuning Peg
A two-pronged wooden device for tuning guitars. Now replaced by the all-metal Tuning Fork and relegated to holding up laundry
Major Scale
660mm
Lateral Braces
A Trouser Belt
Polished top
Bald (or follically disadvantaged, as I believe it's called now...)
Mahogany
The mother of the Hogany kids
D'Addario
The father of the Dario kids
Bach
The part of the tree which is discarded when making a guitar
Borodin
On long-term loan. Often seen in Programmes - Borodin 1833
Bream
The sound of an arpeggiated chord
Byrd
See Cage
Cage
Larger models use Heavy Metal
Handel
Part of a clockwork guitar - unnecessary on the newer, electric, guitar.
Howells
Awful singer who gave rise to the expression Howells of Derision
Kreisler
Musician born into a family of car mechanics
Mahler
The elderly mother of Mr Ler
Russell
A noisy Page Turn (qv) - "Have you heard David Russell?"
Sor
The fingers after excessive practising
Telemann
A newsreader or weather forecaster
Weiss
A deadly sin
Axe Murderer
Particularly poor Guitarist
Compound Time
Serving jail sentences concurrently
Gavotte
Pizzicato - (That is, to choke with a string)
Rubato
"Robbed Time" - to steal a Rolex
Steel Guitar
Acquire an instrument without paying for it
Baton
Directive to the English Cricket Team. Again...
Bow tie
The special knot which holds the horses' hair onto a violin bow
Organ stop
Sermon about to start
Keyboard
Sick of playing in two sharps
Piano
Large shipping line
Sackbut
Insult directed at someone with bulbous hips
Banjo
Anyone called Joseph is not allowed
Trumpet
Win a hand of whist by not following suit.
Soloist
Game of cards for one
Tambourine
Tasty small orange fruit
Cymbals
Suggestive ornaments - as in phallic cymbals
Sax
Large bags full of music
Concertina
Origami Bagpipes
Concertino
Female Bagpipes - caution, keep away from Male Bagpipes!
Piccolo
Suitable for an Alto, as in "I'll piccolo key for the singer"
Clavichord
Instrument made out of old collar bones
Baroque Music
Music for badgers
Guitarist
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome following excessive practice
Whole Tone Music
Tunes which are unrefined (cf WholeMeal flour)
Flamenco
A large pink bird found in Spain
Courante
With power. An electric guitar requires an electric courante
Top part
Clothing worn above the waist
Chorale
Famous Ranch. OK?
Partita
Diner who never clears their plate
Free stroke
Golfing penalty
Chord
A thick string
Major Chord
A seriously thick string
Index finger
The digit with which you scan the contents page of a book
Ring Finger
The digit that dials the phone
Solo
Very deep - "That Bass Line (qv) is Solo"
Harmonica
First overtone on the fifth string
Electronic Tuner
Tamagotchi Pet Fish
Footstool
A chair exactly 12 inches off the ground
Full Bar
Popular Drinking Haunt
Plucked
Devoid of feathers. (Electric Guitarists may notice some residual fuzz)
Fingernails
See Thumbtacks
Higher Positions
Vacancies fulfilled by rented personnel
Hope you enjoy!
Use these freely to win admiring looks at parties and increase your social standing among your peers, but please also be kind enough to mention that you stole them in a heartless fashion from an impoverished guitar teacher who is now broken by your cavalier attitude in taking only the free bits...