Derek's Diabolical Definitions - a Gargantuan Glossary of Groans
Thought you understood Guitar terminology? Groan away at these!
Over 145 truly awful definitions.
Apologies for those that only make the British laugh
- all real UK and guitar musical terms.
All with a bizarre viewpoint....
Possessed of an unusually white region of leg
Welcomed to the stage with warm applause
The arms, or, more with men than women, the legs
The cry of a Frenchman seeing the White Cliffs of Dover
An insect that lives on a shared music stand
The raw material for brass instruments
UK tourists' entertainment, flying home from Spain.
Unusually confident about starting the music
Don't do it (except in music, when it means do it again)
Menage a trois. Not to be confused with phallic cymbal
Instrument of choice for the counter-revolutionary
Fitting instructions for bandage
On the Rudiments of Music
Very shiny room in the roof
Current American Paper Money
A versatile singer. "That singer will go 'Fah'"
Small part of a town. Smaller than the Chinese quarter....
Compulsion. As in "That major look, didn't it"
Small and insignificant. As in "Minor smaller than yours are"
Essential ingredient in Vegetarian music
Obsolete American Paper Money
Powered by the sun
A bouncy A-Frame
An Arabian trill
A male child with no siblings
On Music Notation
Cessation of childcare provision
Where life begins
Integral part of foreign music
Served with Coffee
Served with French Cheese
Served with Brandy
Three brothers after an evening Con Spirito
Throwing the ball straight
Two punctures at once
Good boating weather
Remove chalky deposits from the kettle (no, not a kettle drum!)
To add more compost
Early Spring (joke not suitable for those in Southern Hemisphere)
The end-of-play football result
The part of the wedding when the small boy tells jokes
From the top
Instruction to hairdresser on where to trim the most hair....
Committed to paper
On Music Theory
Having the patience of a horse
Music for the double-crossing lover
Particularly hackneyed opening to a Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman joke
Under the wife's thumb (from someone who knows....)
Primitive and rather unsatisfactory family planning
An uncle in the Army
About ten minutes
Preferring clothes of the opposite sex
Member of a Welsh Male Voice Choir
The next thing after note seven
Irregular. A High-Fibre diet is recommended
Play the 5th string more quietly
Daughter of Mr & Mrs Inferno
A slimming mixer for the serious Gin drinker
Exchanging information in the back row of an orchestra
On Orchestral and Other Music
(Italian) - literally "With the large pipe"
- ie accompanied by a tuba
Recordings of this style are rare, apart from the famous Duct Tape
Divisions upon a ground
Walls. A musical term, since walls have ears...
Music played at breakfast time
Boiled confectionery eaten noisily at a Concert
To take to a funeral a second time
Music stored digitally
Small waterway round a castle
Espy the top part of a clarinet
Practical joke played only in Italy
A device for catching sea-going fish
Sea-going fish that's gone off
Practising before going to work
Entry point for the Tenor Viol
Popular audience-based entertainment. Featuring Ms Winfrey
Parts of a deck of cards - the tenor spades, the tenor hearts...
Playing A Round
Sleeping with the orchestra. See also "Triangle"
Sound effects in Pachelbel's little-known and forward-looking "1812 Overture"
Having dual nationality
Tired of left hand exercises
A town in Wales
An obsessive Guitar owner
A particularly obsessive Guitar owner
To be aware of, as in "I didn't cedar repeat mark"
To walk about with an air-cooler
A two-pronged wooden device for tuning guitars. Now replaced by the all-metal Tuning Fork and relegated to holding up laundry
A Trouser Belt
Bald (or follically disadvantaged, as I believe it's called now...)
The mother of the Hogany kids
The father of the Dario kids
The part of the tree which is discarded when making a guitar
On long-term loan. Often seen in Programmes - Borodin 1833
The sound of an arpeggiated chord
Larger models use Heavy Metal
Part of a clockwork guitar - unnecessary on the newer, electric, guitar.
Awful singer who gave rise to the expression Howells of Derision
Musician born into a family of car mechanics
The elderly mother of Mr Ler
A noisy Page Turn (qv) - "Have you heard David Russell?"
The fingers after excessive practising
A newsreader or weather forecaster
A deadly sin
On The Guitar, Crime and Punishment
Particularly poor Guitarist
Serving jail sentences concurrently
Pizzicato - (That is, to choke with a string)
"Robbed Time" - to steal a Rolex
Acquire an instrument without paying for it
On Other Instruments
Directive to the English Cricket Team. Again...
The special knot which holds the horses' hair onto a violin bow
Sermon about to start
Sick of playing in two sharps
Large shipping line
Insult directed at someone with bulbous hips
Anyone called Joseph is not allowed
Win a hand of whist by not following suit.
Game of cards for one
Tasty small orange fruit
Suggestive ornaments - as in phallic cymbals
Large bags full of music
Female Bagpipes - caution, keep away from Male Bagpipes!
Suitable for an Alto, as in "I'll piccolo key for the singer"
Instrument made out of old collar bones
On Guitar Repertoire
Music for badgers
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome following excessive practice
Whole Tone Music
Tunes which are unrefined (cf WholeMeal flour)
A large pink bird found in Spain
With power. An electric guitar requires an electric courante
Clothing worn above the waist
Famous Ranch. OK?
Diner who never clears their plate
A thick string
A seriously thick string
The digit with which you scan the contents page of a book
The digit that dials the phone
Very deep - "That Bass Line (qv) is Solo"
First overtone on the fifth string
Tamagotchi Pet Fish
A chair exactly 12 inches off the ground
Popular Drinking Haunt
Devoid of feathers. (Electric Guitarists may notice some residual fuzz)
Vacancies fulfilled by rented personnel
Hope you enjoy!
Use these freely to win admiring looks at parties and increase your social standing among your peers, but please also be kind enough to mention that you stole them in a heartless fashion from an impoverished guitar teacher who is now broken by your cavalier attitude in taking only the free bits...