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Musical Definitions

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Derek's Diabolical Definitions - a Gargantuan Glossary of Groans

Thought you understood Guitar terminology? Groan away at these!

Over 145 truly awful definitions.

Apologies for those that only make the British laugh - all real UK and guitar musical terms.
All with a bizarre viewpoint....


Recent arrivals

Albinoni

Possessed of an unusually white region of leg

Clapton

Welcomed to the stage with warm applause

Crossing parts

The arms, or, more with men than women, the legs

Cor Anglais

The cry of a Frenchman seeing the White Cliffs of Dover

Descant

An insect that lives on a shared music stand

Hornpipe

The raw material for brass instruments

Plain song

UK tourists' entertainment, flying home from Spain.

Up beat

Unusually confident about starting the music

Refrain

Don't do it (except in music, when it means do it again)

Triangle

Menage a trois. Not to be confused with phallic cymbal

Contra

Instrument of choice for the counter-revolutionary

Overwound

Fitting instructions for bandage

Top^


On the Rudiments of Music

Chromatic

Very shiny room in the roof

Doh

Current American Paper Money

Fah

A versatile singer. "That singer will go 'Fah'"

Italian Sixth

Small part of a town. Smaller than the Chinese quarter....

Major

Compulsion. As in "That major look, didn't it"

Minor

Small and insignificant. As in "Minor smaller than yours are"

Pulse

Essential ingredient in Vegetarian music

Quarter Note

Obsolete American Paper Money

Soh Lah

Powered by the sun

Suspension

A bouncy A-Frame

Shake

An Arabian trill

Unison

A male child with no siblings

Top^


On Music Notation

Cresc

Childcare provision

Crescendo

Cessation of childcare provision

Forte

Where life begins

Accent

Integral part of foreign music

Pause Marks

Cats' footprints

Espressivo

Served with Coffee

Con Brio

Served with French Cheese

Con Spirito

Served with Brandy

Slurred Triplets

Three brothers after an evening Con Spirito

Perfect Pitch

Throwing the ball straight

Double flat

Two punctures at once

C flat

Good boating weather

D Scale

Remove chalky deposits from the kettle (no, not a kettle drum!)

Repeat

To add more compost

March Time

Early Spring (joke not suitable for those in Southern Hemisphere)

Full Score

The end-of-play football result

Page Turn

The part of the wedding when the small boy tells jokes

From the top

Instruction to hairdresser on where to trim the most hair....

piu

Church Choirstalls

rit

Committed to paper

Top^


On Music Theory

Equitempered

Having the patience of a horse

Two Time

Music for the double-crossing lover

Three-in-a-bar

Particularly hackneyed opening to a Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman joke

Sub Dominant

Under the wife's thumb (from someone who knows....)

Interrupted Cadence

Primitive and rather unsatisfactory family planning

Relative Major

An uncle in the Army

Minor Interval

About ten minutes

Transposition

Preferring clothes of the opposite sex

Harmonic Minor

Member of a Welsh Male Voice Choir

Notate

The next thing after note seven

Syncopated

Irregular. A High-Fibre diet is recommended

Laissez

Play the 5th string more quietly

Andante

Daughter of Mr & Mrs Inferno

Diatonic

A slimming mixer for the serious Gin drinker

Passing Notes

Exchanging information in the back row of an orchestra

Ascending Scales

Elevator Music

Descending Scales

Successful dieting

Top^


On Orchestral and Other Music

Conduct

(Italian) - literally "With the large pipe" - ie accompanied by a tuba
Recordings of this style are rare, apart from the famous Duct Tape

Divisions upon a ground

Walls. A musical term, since walls have ears...

Serial Music

Music played at breakfast time

Concertize

Opera Glasses

Suite

Boiled confectionery eaten noisily at a Concert

Rehearse

To take to a funeral a second time

Binary Form

Music stored digitally

Motet

Small waterway round a castle

Sightread

Espy the top part of a clarinet

Romantic

Practical joke played only in Italy

Bass Line

A device for catching sea-going fish

Bass Viol

Sea-going fish that's gone off

Early Music

Practising before going to work

Violin

Entry point for the Tenor Viol

Opera

Popular audience-based entertainment. Featuring Ms Winfrey

Tenor

Parts of a deck of cards - the tenor spades, the tenor hearts...

Oboe Player

'Omeless Actor

Wind band

Flatulence prohibited

Playing A Round

Sleeping with the orchestra. See also "Triangle"

Pachelbel's Canon

Sound effects in Pachelbel's little-known and forward-looking "1812 Overture"

Top^


On Luthiery

French Polish

Having dual nationality

Fingerboard

Tired of left hand exercises

Bridge End

A town in Wales

Nut

An obsessive Guitar owner

Hard case

A particularly obsessive Guitar owner

Cedar

To be aware of, as in "I didn't cedar repeat mark"

Fan strutting

To walk about with an air-cooler

Tuning Peg

A two-pronged wooden device for tuning guitars. Now replaced by the all-metal Tuning Fork and relegated to holding up laundry

Major Scale

660mm

Lateral Braces

A Trouser Belt

Polished top

Bald (or follically disadvantaged, as I believe it's called now...)

Mahogany

The mother of the Hogany kids

D'Addario

The father of the Dario kids

Top^


On Musicians

Bach

The part of the tree which is discarded when making a guitar

Borodin

On long-term loan. Often seen in Programmes - Borodin 1833

Bream

The sound of an arpeggiated chord

Byrd

See Cage

Cage

Larger models use Heavy Metal

Handel

Part of a clockwork guitar - unnecessary on the newer, electric, guitar.

Howells

Awful singer who gave rise to the expression Howells of Derision

Kreisler

Musician born into a family of car mechanics

Mahler

The elderly mother of Mr Ler

Russell

A noisy Page Turn (qv) - "Have you heard David Russell?"

Sor

The fingers after excessive practising

Telemann

A newsreader or weather forecaster

Weiss

A deadly sin

Top^


On The Guitar, Crime and Punishment

Axe Murderer

Particularly poor Guitarist

Compound Time

Serving jail sentences concurrently

Gavotte

Pizzicato - (That is, to choke with a string)

Rubato

"Robbed Time" - to steal a Rolex

Steel Guitar

Acquire an instrument without paying for it

Top^


On Other Instruments

Baton

Directive to the English Cricket Team. Again...

Bow tie

The special knot which holds the horses' hair onto a violin bow

Organ stop

Sermon about to start

Keyboard

Sick of playing in two sharps

Piano

Large shipping line

Sackbut

Insult directed at someone with bulbous hips

Banjo

Anyone called Joseph is not allowed

Trumpet

Win a hand of whist by not following suit.

Soloist

Game of cards for one

Tambourine

Tasty small orange fruit

Cymbals

Suggestive ornaments - as in phallic cymbals

Sax

Large bags full of music

Concertina

Origami Bagpipes

Concertino

Female Bagpipes - caution, keep away from Male Bagpipes!

Piccolo

Suitable for an Alto, as in "I'll piccolo key for the singer"

Clavichord

Instrument made out of old collar bones

Top^


On Guitar Repertoire

Baroque Music

Music for badgers

Guitarist

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome following excessive practice

Whole Tone Music

Tunes which are unrefined (cf WholeMeal flour)

Flamenco

A large pink bird found in Spain

Courante

With power. An electric guitar requires an electric courante

Top part

Clothing worn above the waist

Chorale

Famous Ranch. OK?

Partita

Diner who never clears their plate

Free stroke

Golfing penalty

Chord

A thick string

Major Chord

A seriously thick string

Index finger

The digit with which you scan the contents page of a book

Ring Finger

The digit that dials the phone

Solo

Very deep - "That Bass Line (qv) is Solo"

Harmonica

First overtone on the fifth string

Electronic Tuner

Tamagotchi Pet Fish

Footstool

A chair exactly 12 inches off the ground

Full Bar

Popular Drinking Haunt

Plucked

Devoid of feathers. (Electric Guitarists may notice some residual fuzz)

Fingernails

See Thumbtacks

Higher Positions

Vacancies fulfilled by rented personnel

Top^


Hope you enjoy!

Use these freely to win admiring looks at parties and increase your social standing among your peers, but please also be kind enough to mention that you stole them in a heartless fashion from an impoverished guitar teacher who is now broken by your cavalier attitude in taking only the free bits...

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