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> Diabolical Definitions
Derek's Diabolical Definitions - a Gargantuan Glossary of Groans
Thought you understood Guitar terminology? Groan
away at these!
Over 145 truly awful definitions.
Apologies for those that only make the British laugh
- all real UK and guitar musical terms.
All with a bizarre viewpoint....
|
Recent arrivals |
| Albinoni |
Possessed of an unusually white region of leg |
| Clapton |
Welcomed to the stage with warm applause |
| Crossing parts |
The arms, or, more with men than women, the legs |
| Cor Anglais |
The cry of a Frenchman seeing the White Cliffs of Dover |
| Descant |
An insect that lives on a shared music stand |
| Hornpipe |
The raw material for brass instruments |
| Plain song |
UK tourists' entertainment, flying home from Spain. |
| Up beat |
Unusually confident about starting the music |
| Refrain |
Don't do it (except in music, when it means do it again) |
| Triangle |
Menage a trois. Not to be confused with phallic cymbal |
| Contra |
Instrument of choice for the counter-revolutionary |
| Overwound |
Fitting instructions for bandage |
|
On the Rudiments of Music |
| Chromatic |
Very shiny room in the roof |
| Doh |
Current American Paper Money |
| Fah |
A versatile singer. "That singer will go 'Fah'" |
| Italian Sixth |
Small part of a town. Smaller than the Chinese quarter.... |
| Major |
Compulsion. As in "That major look,
didn't it" |
| Minor |
Small and insignificant. As in "Minor smaller than
yours are" |
| Pulse |
Essential ingredient in Vegetarian music |
| Quarter Note |
Obsolete American Paper Money |
| Soh Lah |
Powered by the sun |
| Suspension |
A bouncy A-Frame |
| Shake |
An Arabian trill |
| Unison |
A male child with no siblings |
|
On Music Notation |
| Cresc |
Childcare provision |
| Crescendo |
Cessation of childcare provision |
| Forte |
Where life begins |
| Accent |
Integral part of foreign music |
| Pause Marks |
Cats' footprints |
| Espressivo |
Served with Coffee |
| Con Brio |
Served with French Cheese |
| Con Spirito |
Served with Brandy |
| Slurred Triplets |
Three brothers after an evening Con Spirito |
| Perfect Pitch |
Throwing the ball straight |
| Double flat |
Two punctures at once |
| C flat |
Good boating weather |
| D Scale |
Remove chalky deposits from the kettle (no, not a kettle drum!) |
| Repeat |
To add more compost |
| March Time |
Early Spring (joke not suitable for those in Southern
Hemisphere) |
| Full Score |
The end-of-play football result |
| Page Turn |
The part of the wedding when the small boy tells jokes |
| From the top |
Instruction to hairdresser on where to trim the most
hair.... |
| piu |
Church Choirstalls |
| rit |
Committed to paper |
|
On Music Theory |
| Equitempered |
Having the patience of a horse |
| Two Time |
Music for the double-crossing lover |
| Three-in-a-bar |
Particularly hackneyed opening to a Scotsman, Englishman
and Irishman joke |
| Sub Dominant |
Under the wife's thumb (from someone who
knows....) |
| Interrupted Cadence |
Primitive and rather unsatisfactory family planning |
| Relative Major |
An uncle in the Army |
| Minor Interval |
About ten minutes |
| Transposition |
Preferring clothes of the opposite sex |
| Harmonic Minor |
Member of a Welsh Male Voice Choir |
| Notate |
The next thing after note seven |
| Syncopated |
Irregular. A High-Fibre diet is recommended |
| Laissez |
Play the 5th string more quietly |
| Andante |
Daughter of Mr & Mrs Inferno |
| Diatonic |
A slimming mixer for the serious Gin drinker |
| Passing Notes |
Exchanging information in the back row of an orchestra |
| Ascending Scales |
Elevator Music |
| Descending Scales |
Successful dieting |
|
On Orchestral and Other Music |
| Conduct |
(Italian) - literally "With the large pipe"
- ie accompanied by a tuba
Recordings of this style
are rare, apart from the famous Duct Tape |
| Divisions upon a ground |
Walls. A musical term, since walls have ears... |
| Serial Music |
Music played at breakfast time |
|
Concertize |
Opera Glasses |
| Suite |
Boiled confectionery eaten noisily at a Concert |
| Rehearse |
To take to a funeral a second time |
| Binary Form |
Music stored digitally |
| Motet |
Small waterway round a castle |
| Sightread |
Espy the top part of a clarinet |
| Romantic |
Practical joke played only in Italy |
| Bass Line |
A device for catching sea-going fish |
| Bass Viol |
Sea-going fish that's gone off |
| Early Music |
Practising before going to work |
| Violin |
Entry point for the Tenor Viol |
| Opera |
Popular audience-based entertainment. Featuring Ms Winfrey |
| Tenor |
Parts of a deck of cards - the tenor spades, the tenor
hearts... |
| Oboe Player |
'Omeless Actor |
| Wind band |
Flatulence prohibited |
| Playing A Round |
Sleeping with the orchestra. See also "Triangle" |
| Pachelbel's Canon |
Sound effects in Pachelbel's little-known and forward-looking
"1812 Overture" |
|
On Luthiery |
| French Polish |
Having dual nationality |
| Fingerboard |
Tired of left hand exercises |
| Bridge End |
A town in Wales |
| Nut |
An obsessive Guitar owner |
| Hard case |
A particularly obsessive Guitar owner |
| Cedar |
To be aware of, as in "I didn't cedar repeat mark" |
| Fan strutting |
To walk about with an air-cooler |
| Tuning Peg |
A two-pronged wooden device for tuning guitars. Now
replaced by the all-metal Tuning Fork and relegated to holding
up laundry |
| Major Scale |
660mm |
| Lateral Braces |
A Trouser Belt |
| Polished top |
Bald (or follically disadvantaged, as I believe it's
called now...) |
| Mahogany |
The mother of the Hogany kids |
| D'Addario |
The father of the Dario kids |
|
On Musicians |
| Bach |
The part of the tree which is discarded
when making a guitar |
| Borodin |
On long-term loan. Often seen in Programmes - Borodin
1833 |
| Bream |
The sound of an arpeggiated chord |
| Byrd |
See Cage |
| Handel |
Part of a clockwork guitar - unnecessary on the newer,
electric, guitar. |
| Howells |
Awful singer who gave rise to the expression Howells
of Derision |
| Kreisler |
Musician born into a family of car mechanics |
| Mahler |
The elderly mother of Mr Ler |
| Russell
|
A noisy Page Turn (qv) - "Have you heard David
Russell?" |
| Sor |
The fingers after excessive practising |
| Weiss |
A deadly sin |
|
On The Guitar, Crime and Punishment |
| Axe Murderer |
Particularly poor Guitarist |
| Gavotte |
Pizzicato - (That is, to choke with a string) |
| Compound Time |
Serving jail sentences concurrently |
| Steel Guitar |
Acquire an instrument without paying for it |
|
On Other Instruments |
| Baton |
Directive to the English Cricket Team. Again... |
| Bow tie |
The special knot which holds the horses' hair onto a
violin bow |
| Organ stop |
Sermon about to start |
| Keyboard |
Sick of playing in two sharps |
| Piano |
Large shipping line |
| Sackbut |
Insult directed at someone with bulbous hips |
| Banjo |
Anyone called Joseph is not allowed |
| Trumpet |
Win a hand of whist by not following suit. |
| Soloist |
Game of cards for one |
| Tambourine |
Tasty small orange fruit |
| Cymbals |
Suggestive ornaments - as in phallic cymbals |
| Sax |
Large bags full of music |
| Concertina |
Origami Bagpipes |
| Concertino |
Female Bagpipes - caution, keep away from Male Bagpipes! |
| Piccolo |
Suitable for an Alto, as in "I'll piccolo key for
the singer" |
| Clavichord |
Instrument made out of old collar bones |
|
On Guitar Repetoire |
| Baroque Music |
Music for badgers |
| Guitarist |
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome following excessive practice |
| Whole Tone Music |
Tunes which are unrefined (cf WholeMeal
flour) |
| Flamenco |
A large pink bird found in Spain |
| Courante |
With power. An electric guitar requires an electric
courante |
| Top part |
Clothing worn above the waist |
| Chorale |
Famous Ranch. OK? |
| Partita |
Diner who never clears their plate |
| Free stroke |
Golfing penalty |
| Chord |
A thick string |
| Major Chord |
A seriously thick string |
| Index finger |
The digit with which you scan the contents page of a book |
| Ring Finger |
The digit that dials the phone |
| Solo |
Very deep - "That Bass Line (qv) is Solo" |
| Harmonica |
First overtone on the fifth string |
| Electronic Tuner |
Tamagotchi Pet Fish |
| Footstool |
A chair exactly 12 inches off the ground |
| Full Bar |
Popular Drinking Haunt |
| Plucked |
Devoid of feathers. (Electric Guitarists may notice
some residual fuzz) |
| Fingernails |
See Thumbtacks |
| Higher Positions |
Vacancies fulfilled by rented personnel |
Hope you enjoy!
Use these freely to win admiring looks at parties
and increase your social standing among your peers, but please also
be kind enough to mention that you stole them in a heartless fashion
from an impoverished guitar teacher who is now broken by your cavalier
attitude in taking only the free bits...
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